it's a nice story, but sad you know i love this kind of stories i write such stories you may be intrested to read my latest one.
in general it's a nice one really

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In Our Darkest Hour
Will You Still Care?

that's so sad!! why did the mother die?? i'm afraid i dont understand....

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I am Queen of Exclamation Points and Other Random Symbols

I think this is really well done, dear! To say that you are 'no writer' is a sad underestimation of yourself.

That said, I have a few critique-y type comments that could (I think) make this better. A few little things:

"A woman all in white walked in the room." <-- This sentence doesn't flow very well. Maybe say something more like 'there was a polite (perfunctory, soft, whatever, it's just an example) tap on the door and a nurse, perfect in her impeccably starched white uniform, entered the room, clipboard at the ready like a weapon.' Or...whatever. XDD You know, she's not just all in white, so are...brides, and little girls at coronation. What does the white /feel/ like? What does it represent?

"Mummy gave her daughter a meaningful and endearing look, in one last attempt to examine the little girl’s emotions, but got nothing in return. The little girl was clueless." <-- This is a classic example of 'show not tell.' Try and show that the look was meaningful and the girl was clueless without actually /saying/ it. For example, this is from my story 'It's Always You':

"“God, my feet.” She rubbed the instep of her right foot and groaned. “These shoes are murder, I tell you.” She said, sounding proud." <-- I could've said something like 'She was dressed like an impeccable businesswoman, a pantsuit and stilettos capable of drawing blood. She was obviously preoccupied with her appearance.' But instead, I managed to (hopefully) convey that more subtly. Does that make sense?

"The nurse gave no response and left the room, leaving dead Mummy and sobbing little girl behind." <-- This is just a personal opinion, but I think of children as more...sobbing when they bang their knee. I feel like in this instance maybe...she would be more subdued. Like...silent tears. Sort of in shock. But that's just me, this isn't really a crit. XD

Anyway. Overall I really like it, and I think you manage to get your point across really well. However, I think you should...subtly, of course...clarify why the mother is being killed. I don't think I quite get it...if it was like, death sentence, I don't think her daughter would be allowed in all by herself, and I'm not sure if they do that in hospitals. If it's like...she's diseased and needs to die, I'm pretty sure that's still illegal - mercy killings, I mean. Dr. Kevorkian and all that. And if it was that, I'll bet it would be a more peaceful death...no twitching, more of just a...eyes closing, body stiffening kind of thing.

Anyway. GOOD WORK. Don't get discouraged! This is a hard topic to write on.

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_{I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed, and that necessary.}

Thank you Ginny, but this was really just a one-time thing, I'm sure.

The part about the woman all in white. I see what you mean, I do, but I really wanted to conceal the nurse's identity until after the mother died, so I didn't feel like I should describe her at all, just that she was wearing white. Sort of like a clue. I tried to keep the reader wondering about what was happening, and giving away that she was a nurse would probably end the mystery. But maybe it wasn't a big mystery after all

The endearing look part. You're totally right, and I quite enjoy that way of putting things. But this was written during a time when I wasn't all that happy with life so I just wanted to put things bluntly, with very little attention to the literary aspects of it, I guess. But I might have done it differently if it were now.

The sobbing part. In my defense, I have a very limited knowledge of the english language when it comes to literature and writing. I can manage a conversation, but since english is not my mother tongue, I often find myself reaching for words and trying to find appropriate synonyms. I think that if I had chosen to write this in portuguese, it would have turned out a bit better

You know, I have no clue why she died. I just wanted to have a child mourning. I gave this very little thought. I just wanted to write something that was genuinely sad. And yes, no matter what the reason, it would never have happened like this. There would have been more people in the room, at least. But you know, this kind of death isn't always that peaceful. There's often a lot of twitching and muscle spasms. The eyes won't close unless the person does it before getting the injection or someone closes them after the person's dead. And there's always loss of sphincter control, hence the urine. Anyway, this was the way I saw the woman dying, but I didn't really come up with a reason. I guess I didn't really care about that, just about what the girl was feeling.

Anywho, thank you for the support, it's really great to hear encouragement. The general reaction to writing on dA is less than positive, so it's great to get genuine criticism.

I don't really know actually. Maybe she was terminally ill?

Thank you. I'll look around your gallery later

Oh, wow! This is really good. I thought you were going to send the girl into surgery, not kill the mum!!


I love it. It's very strong.

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And ready to know what the people know! Ask 'em my questions and get some answers What's a fire? And why does it
What's the word, burn?

Well, one-time-thing or not, I hope you do some more writing. C: I think you're quite good~

And yeah, you're telling me! The dA writer's community is sadly neglected. ;____; But anyway, good work. Despite flaws (and shit, I keep forgetting English isn't your first language! You crazy genius bilingual sumbitch!) you managed to get the point across - a child mourning. A child's grief is something really powerful.

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_{I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed, and that necessary.}

Thanks so much!
I actually like that you thought she was going into surgery! That's what I was going for, surprise